So I haven’t been on in awhile. It has been a very rough few weeks for me. If anyone doesn’t know I just had a baby and was in more pain than I have been in in awhile. I mean I was in labor for over 24 hours. It was rough. So anyways, I am an alcoholic and I can’t drink, but I have never had a problem with pain pills such as vicodin until now. I started taking them for the very intense pain and the next thing I knew I totally spiraling out of control. I just couldn’t seem to get the pain to go away. I didn’t really even notice until I started running out of pills early and then I stole pills from my boyfriend, somehow thinking he wouldn’t notice or I could replace them or something. Of course this wasn’t true and he completely flipped out when he found out. So he said he knew I was in pain and I could still take the pills, but he would hide them and give them to me accordingly. Well, I figured I could do this. Nope not a chance. I immediately went looking for the pills and found them and he also had a bottle. Well within in a week, I had taken all of the pills and had ran out including his and couldn’t get a refill until the next morning. I figured I could replace his in the morning since he doesn’t take them very often and he’ll never know. Wrong again!!! He needed a pill and then all hell broke loose. He was furious. He said was done with me and I needed to find a place right now or he would call the cops on me for taking his pills. I of course, started freaking out including the fact I was a little high. It wouldn’t be long though before I would start coming down. I didn’t know what to do. We argued and argued and then he said I had 15 minutes to get out of the house and I had to leave my son or he was going to report me to CPS. So in a very desperate manner and possibly a cry out for help, I went into the bathroom and swallowed a bottle of naproxen. I walked out of the restroom with a pounding heart. What the Hell have I just done??? I really didn’t want to kill myself. I just couldn’t bare the fact of living without David and Preston. I don’t think I could’ve mentally handled it. David couldn’t believe what was going on so he rushed me to the hospital and left me there. Partly because he had my son and I told him if it was ok, he could take care of him and I was going to get help. I basically went into a state of panic. Thank goodness for Ativan.  Anyways, nothing really happened. My stomach just got a little bit upset, but other than that, I just needed help. A social worker showed up and made a bunch of phone calls. The only place she could find me a bed was at a psych ward. I couldn’t go home and I wasn’t about to be homeless and I really needed help. It will definitely be an experience I will never forget. I did not fit in at all. It helped me out though. I had 4 days to read the bible and christian books David had put in my suitcase and really talk to God and ask for help. I was desperate and I didn’t want to loose my family. I love David more than anything in the whole world and I couldn’t believe that I had hurt him so much. I missed my kid so much my heart truly hurt. I hoped he would take me back. I prayed he would take me back. I am going to do whatever it takes. To my surprise he came to pick me up and he said we can work on it. There are conditions, though, and one of them is no pain pills at all. I completely understand this, I am just going to have to find another natural way to treat my pain. I have an appointment with a doctor on Monday and hopefully she will be able to help me through this. I want to be happy and healthy with my two best men. I think I finally hit my rock bottom. I am going to fight this to the end. I am not going to loose everything. I have too much now. It might be painful, but I am not giving up and when I decide to do something good or bad, I stick to it. God is going to work through me, I am going to kick this!!!